Can't turn my brain off

It's funny how your mind works sometimes. Tonight I fell asleep quickly and was awoken by a terrible headache. The kind that just feels like death. Shortly after this my sweet Jaida climbed into our bed. At first I was annoyed. She likes to kick and take over the entire bed and covers. She was having a bad dream. She was flailing and screaming in her sleep. I reached out to her and hugged her tight. I could feel her heart pounding against my chest and her breath on my face. It was in that instant all the memories came flooding back. 

It was March 18, 2010. Jaida was just a few days old. That night she was thrashing and screaming uncontrollably. I couldn't get her to stop. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I was tired and frustrated. I pleaded for her to stop. Trent knew I was on the verge and kindly took her from me. He held her as she cried and cried. He rocked her and sang to her all night. It was that next morning everything changed. March 19, it was a Friday. I was exhausted from a long night. She still was upset and I was worried. 

When I remember this day it is like it just happened yesterday. The emotions and feelings are still very raw. I watched as my little baby laid there lifeless. Too sick to move. She stopped breathing so many times. I watched as the nurses pounded on her to get her to breath. She laid so still and quiet as they poked her 9 times for a spinal tap. I was lost and scared. I tried to detach myself from the moment from her. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I begged and pleaded with my Heavenly Father for her to be ok. I promised I would be a good mom to her. I would love her and teach her what is right. 

There were the endless nights without her at home. I longed to hold her. I wept as I saw her bruised little body. I imagined what my Heavenly Father must have felt as he watched his Son, Jesus Christ suffer. 

When she finally came home I was overcome with joy and fear. I loved her. I cared for her night and day. I devoted everything to make her better. So many doctors visits and tests. My life was an emotional mess, but I had her. I would do anything. 

There still isn't a night that I don't worry and wonder if she really is ok. That maybe somehow something could happen again. I don't like that dark place. I try not to let myself go there. 

So tonight as I held her I felt the most uncontrollable sense of gratitude. So much that I just couldn't sleep without writing these feelings down. I am not good at expressing myself this way and try to mask it so everyone thinks I am ok. But the truth is I still grieve for this. I beat myself up and hope that I am being the mom I promised I would be. 

I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to have her. She has taught me so much in the last 4 years. I know that Heavenly Father preformed many miraculous things during these last 4 years. I have seen and felt them. There were so many angels who were watching out for us/her. I know that he loves me and He is very aware of my needs. I am so blessed. 

I love Jaida with all my heart and I am eternally grateful that I have her.