My girls

 Everyday the girls love to go for our walk to pick up the boys from school. They love playing with their friends Robin and Cassidy. One thing that makes me laugh is that Jaida always says that they are safe from the bees in the shade because bees hate the shade. So they hide under this tree so that they don't get "attacked".

 This was a day at costco... not a super successful trip. Both girls were in tantrum- tear mode. Luckily they saved it until the very end.

 Here is a picture of Allie.. Pierce wanted me to take it because he was laughing that Allie looked like Malfoy in Harry Potter.

 Then of course Jaida had to have her picture taken too. She is pretty cute so I was ok with that.

 Here is another cute picture of my girls waiting for their boys.

Uh..Oh this girl is trouble! Someone learned how to pull a barstool over to the pantry to get herself a snack!
My favorite thing about these two girls right now is how much they truly love each other. I love seeing the joy on their faces when they are reunited. I love hearing them laugh and giggle together. I love that they can't get enough of each other. Love my girls.

a picture of me..just because

 In case you wanted to see what I looked like at this time in my life.. here you go. 31 has been good to me!

Grandparent Love

 Allie has a strange way of showing her affection for others. She piles them up with toys. Papa was a great sport and let her do her thing. She loves being with her papa.

Pierce was having a hard time accepting that Grammy was leaving. He decided that he was going to sleep right next to her. Grammy later told me that he held her hand all night and occasionally gave it a  squeeze to make sure she was still there. In the morning she had to wake up early to leave. He made sure to wake up and give her a hug and kiss goodbye. This kid sure loves his grammy.

Young Women

Being a Young Women President is a lot of work. I am often overwhelmed, not appreciated, tired, stressed, and feel like a failure. I think it is probably pretty common feelings. I am 100% sure I made my leaders feel these same thoughts. The truth is that makes me really sad. That makes me want to give them a big giant hug and say sorry. I HAD NO IDEA HOW HARD THIS CALLING COULD BE!!
Then there are times like this when every bad thought, every hard trial, every stressed moment disappears when you find this kind of stuff on your porch. Thank you for making me feel important, like you care, like I am making some kind of a difference. I love these girls with all my heart. I can't wait to see what they do with their lives. This calling has been a blessing too.

Happy 9th Birthday Pierce

 Pierce turned 9!! I can't believe he is so old! He was super lucky and got to have both Papa Russ and Grammy in town for his special day.

 He got spoiled with a BB gun, Batman costume, water bottle, legos, clothes and spy gear.

 Jaida was sure excited to celebrate her brother's birthday.

 Grammy and her grandkids.

 Pierce has been so excited to get this batman costume. He is really into batman lately. Here he is showing off his superhero skills.

 Pierce asked me to make him a batman cake. I am definitely not a cake professional, but luckily he isn't too picky!

 For his birthday he really wanted to have a couple of friends over for a little party. We obliged, but Pierce being the social butterfly that he is decided to invite a whole bunch of his friends! Ahhhh. Dad and Papa took them all to boomers for some gokart racing and mini-golf. They had a blast.

Then they cake back for pizza, cake and ice-cream. Pierce has been so lucky to have such a great group of friends.

 He invited his cousin Tyden, Ethan Jones, Jack Dockstader, and Grant Budge. There were a few who were unable to make it.

 Pierce.. I am so grateful that you were born. You made me a mom. You have given me 9 fabulous years of motherhood. Thank you for being such a kind, caring soul. You are always looking out for others and want to make people smile. I love you and can't wait to see what you become.

Massive Clean up

We moved into this new (Temporary) place while we look for a place to buy. The backyard is huge. There is a lot of work to do on the yard. We decided to clean it up and create place for a garden. It was a lot of work, but I hope it will be worth it in the end.

Can't turn my brain off

It's funny how your mind works sometimes. Tonight I fell asleep quickly and was awoken by a terrible headache. The kind that just feels like death. Shortly after this my sweet Jaida climbed into our bed. At first I was annoyed. She likes to kick and take over the entire bed and covers. She was having a bad dream. She was flailing and screaming in her sleep. I reached out to her and hugged her tight. I could feel her heart pounding against my chest and her breath on my face. It was in that instant all the memories came flooding back. 

It was March 18, 2010. Jaida was just a few days old. That night she was thrashing and screaming uncontrollably. I couldn't get her to stop. She wouldn't eat or sleep. I was tired and frustrated. I pleaded for her to stop. Trent knew I was on the verge and kindly took her from me. He held her as she cried and cried. He rocked her and sang to her all night. It was that next morning everything changed. March 19, it was a Friday. I was exhausted from a long night. She still was upset and I was worried. 

When I remember this day it is like it just happened yesterday. The emotions and feelings are still very raw. I watched as my little baby laid there lifeless. Too sick to move. She stopped breathing so many times. I watched as the nurses pounded on her to get her to breath. She laid so still and quiet as they poked her 9 times for a spinal tap. I was lost and scared. I tried to detach myself from the moment from her. I tried to prepare myself for the worst. I begged and pleaded with my Heavenly Father for her to be ok. I promised I would be a good mom to her. I would love her and teach her what is right. 

There were the endless nights without her at home. I longed to hold her. I wept as I saw her bruised little body. I imagined what my Heavenly Father must have felt as he watched his Son, Jesus Christ suffer. 

When she finally came home I was overcome with joy and fear. I loved her. I cared for her night and day. I devoted everything to make her better. So many doctors visits and tests. My life was an emotional mess, but I had her. I would do anything. 

There still isn't a night that I don't worry and wonder if she really is ok. That maybe somehow something could happen again. I don't like that dark place. I try not to let myself go there. 

So tonight as I held her I felt the most uncontrollable sense of gratitude. So much that I just couldn't sleep without writing these feelings down. I am not good at expressing myself this way and try to mask it so everyone thinks I am ok. But the truth is I still grieve for this. I beat myself up and hope that I am being the mom I promised I would be. 

I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to have her. She has taught me so much in the last 4 years. I know that Heavenly Father preformed many miraculous things during these last 4 years. I have seen and felt them. There were so many angels who were watching out for us/her. I know that he loves me and He is very aware of my needs. I am so blessed. 

I love Jaida with all my heart and I am eternally grateful that I have her.